For example, I now completely understand how and why I lost my hearing. I also know why my hearing is coming back. Better yet, I can comprehend why I may lose that ability again and go through the cycle many times in my life. I do not think this is an easy thing to live with, nor do i feel like i know how to handle it, but i know what is causing it and that gives me hope that i might be able to cope with it. Along with trying to understand my hearing trouble, I’ve been trying to describe how it feels to be switching back and forth from deaf to not deaf: It is extremely hard on me and the people around me. Its like constantly being trapped between two worlds and nothing i can do will make any sort of equality. I lost so much when i went deaf, but I gained things to make up for it, and now i’m starting to notice things shifting again. There is no such thing as continuity.

Even as I have these problems i find comfort in understanding the physical aspects of my disorder. I also understand that i do not have the power to control what other people do or how they react to my troubles, but I can control how I react.

I have seen first hand how much difference it makes to have a more positive attitude about the harder times than to be negative. Most people who know me are well aware of my ever present pessimism. I’ve been trying to figure out why i do that, and I notice that i am usually trying to protect myself from disappointment. The problem is, by having such a poor attitude about things I am kind of limiting my chances for success.

It has been a rough couple months for me and I have been feeling really down. My solution was to keep myself hidden and hide from everyone. Clearly that wasn’t a good idea because everything just got worse and worse. Finally things started to improve when I started getting out and visiting with my brother’s wife. That got me into a good enough mood to see other people so I went out with my friends and went on a date or two. Now things are starting to look up! But it all started with me letting go of a little bit of the control I was trying so hard to preserve, and allowed myself  to get out of my box again.

Meh. I donno.

Recently i was in the hospital for chest pain, and they did lots of tests on my heart. Along with all the tests they took some x-rays. As they did these chest x-ray i couldn’t stop myself from thinking about how the Grinch would watch his heart grow and shrink. Matters of the heart were on my mind because i had been on a date when i started to have the heart trouble. It made me think back to all the other times i have been hurt or in need of hospitalization and had friends that would take me to get help or take care of me. It isn’t easy being sick or injured all the time and not having family very close. I have the best big brother in the world, and he lives close enough to have taken me to the hospital many many times, he is my superman… but i often feel guilty for putting that pressure on him. My big brother tells me that it is silly for me to feel guilty, but this has not stopped me any of the multiple times i have had other people take me to the hospital… but at the same time it feels nice to be taken care of.

After all that rambling, i think my point was my heart goes up and down in sizes just like the Grinch’s, but i wish i could control these things more.

I spoke with a friend today, and she was talking to me about a lot of the trials she is facing right now in her life. It sort of felt like I was advising myself haha. Anyway, after she told me her entire story I began to think about the similarities if so many of the people I know and the struggles they are having. Many people know about my many hospital stays recently, and in an effort to cheer me up they have opened up to me about their lives and health problems. This did not help me in the slightest. It doesn’t make me feel good to know that I am not alone in physical pain or mental exhaustion over having test after test done to “find the problem (or solution)”. It struck me as odd that my friends felt knowing their pain would ease mine, especially because it did the exact opposite. Feeling helpless never made anybody feel good. Anyway, that is my musing for the moment.

meh. I donnno.

Today I have been thinking about plans a lot. and when ever I realize that i am dwelling on this topic i think of the movie Dan In Real Life. At the very end of the movie the protagonist says that people should make life plans, but includes that they need to be prepared to be surprised. After he makes this statement the song I listed below begins to play. I’ve always really loved this song, and Lerche is an awesome artist… even though i cannot hear him the same as I used to.

The plans I thought most about were school related. Then after that they turned to dating plans and things like that. I love to see how much I change in relatively short time periods, changes for the good I mean… or at least not bad. One that has been a topic of several of my recent conversations has been marriage. When I was in high school and when I was living in Reno I always said that I refused to get married before I was 25. Then I moved, and partially because of cultural influences i have changed this rule. I’m open to getting married when I am ready. It’s interesting to me that since I moved here i have had several serious relationships that made me seriously consider marriage. Some of which would have been a total disaster, and others I still don’t know about Whether I find my knight in shining armor soon or not for years, I do have the faith that it will happen. And lets face it, I’m only 21, I’m very young still.

Even tho it causes be pain I also have thought about my plans for my friendships. some of those have thankfully stayed intact, but most of my plans for friends have crashed and burned. Many people say that this is how we learn who our true friends are…. i don’t quite agree. My very best friend is hundreds of miles away from me, but she is still my greatest friend and I still love her with my whole heart. Another friend lives in that same country and even though we dont talk as often as i would prefer, i still get to talk to her and i still love her  and think of her often. The same goes to many of my friends that i am not in contact with. I love them whether i am in constant contact with them or not… i just like it better if i get to have direct contact with them often.

I had an interesting conversation with a very good friend of mine earlier this evening. While talking to him i realized i have lived in this place for over two years now. This is a crazy realization for me because i never thought i would spend on second of my life living in this place. Crazy how time changes us… But again, i am grateful for this change.

Enough rambling. Here are those lyrics. I made in bold the part i keep thinking about most, which isn’t exactly what i’ve talked about above. whatever

Sondre Lerche’s “To Be Surprised”

I’m not going to say
That you ever stop to think along the way
But baby, be prepared to be surprised
Baby, be prepared to be surprised
It’s all I know

I’m not going to state
Obvious observations everybody makes
But baby, be prepared to be surprised
Baby, be prepared to be surprised
You better be prepared to be surprised
It’s all I know

The weight of the world
And the hurt and the dirt
Can make you disturbed
But I heard, but I heard
When I wrap my arms around you
Every mistake we made crumbles
When I wrap my arms around you
Everything echoes a new song

I’m not gonna whine
Or scream out I’m so tired
Through the mike
But baby, be prepared to be surprised
Baby, be prepared to be surprised
You got to be prepared to be surprised
It’s all I know

The weight of the world
And the hurt and the dirt
Can make you disturbed
But I heard, but I heard
When I wrap my arms around you
Every mistake we made crumbles
When I wrap my arms around you
Everything echoes a new song

I’m not gonna lie
Saying everyone’s gonna be alright
And fine until we die
But what else can you do
But hope and pray and save
And we’ll get by

Be prepared to be surprised
Better be prepared to be surprised
You got to be prepared to be surprised
It’s all I know

” A few days ago, a girl in my class asked what a terrorist was. As we all looked at her in disbelief, the guy next to me says, “Oh my god you’re so dumb. A terrorist is like if I go to China, then I’m a terrorist.” The teacher then looked at him and said, “You mean tourist right?” MLIA “

I’m sittin’ here all by myself
just tryin’ to think of something to do
Tryin’ to think of something, anything
just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it’s not working out
’cause you’re all that’s on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
to leave the rest of the world behind

[Chorus]
Well I didn’t mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn’t mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn’t mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn’t mean to love me back, but I know you did

I’m sittin’ here tryin’ to convince myself
that you’re not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
and the more I want you here with me
You know the holidays are coming up
I don’t want to spend them alone
Memories of Christmas time with you
will just kill me if I’m on my own

[Chorus]
Well I didn’t mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn’t mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn’t mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn’t mean to love me back

I know it’s not the smartest thing to do
we just can’t seem to get it right
But what I wouldn’t give to have one more chance tonight
One more chance tonight

I’m sittin’ here tryin’ to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone it’s not getting me very far
I look around my room and everything I see reminds me of you
Oh please, baby won’t you take my hand
we’ve got nothing left to prove

[Chorus]
Well I didn’t mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn’t mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn’t mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn’t mean to love me back, but I know you did

And I didn’t mean to meet you then
we were just kids
And I didn’t mean to give you chills
the way that I kiss
And I didn’t mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn’t mean to love me back but I know you did
Don’t say you didn’t love me back ’cause you know you did
No, you didn’t mean to love me back
But you did

Not the same as mine but i'm too lazy to photograph mine

This week Cameron and I had a really great night, and went to the ASL Club Christmas party, which consisted of a fairy-tail story told by the amazing Ben Jarshow and then an “open mike night” where several of my friends participated in telling stories from their past Christmases and other things. It was a real treat to spend time with some of the people i rarely see outside of class or church. The story Ben told us was the Snow Queen, which i had never heard (or i guess i should say seen) before. it was an interesting tale, and it reminded me a lot of the matryoshka nesting dolls that we saw and bought when i was in Russia this summer. I really love mine, my Beauty and the Beast one is gorgeous and a true piece of artwork.. and both my Mom and Nicole have incredible ones with so many pieces and cool stories to match them, they really are the coolest keep-sake we returned from Europe with.

Because i live alone and in isolation it hasn’t been feeling like Christmas time for me. There aren’t decorations in my apartment, and music is so difficult for me to understand that Christmas music isn’t filling the aching holes in my heart. I miss my family a lot around this time, thank goodness i will be home in exactly one week and can meet my brand new niece. It is a very exciting time for my family. But to try to bring thoughts of Christ and christmas into my room i have brought out my second matryoshka nesting doll. I must admit, that even though it only cost thirty dollars and was not as carefully made as all the other dolls, it is my favorite. It is fairly plain, it isn’t shiny or gaudy and it doesn’t have loads of lacquer  to make it stand out, but the pictures on it make it genuinely special, and also make the “plainess” of the finish all the more incredible. The pictures tell the story of Christ’s life, from the nativity to resurrection. It helps remind me of all the things Christ did for us, and for me specifically. I feel so blessed to have that knowledge. I hope someday i will be able  to spread my testimony and knowledge of Christ to more people. Heck, maybe someone will read this blog post and it will help them in some way… especially with Christmas coming up, after all as Taylor Swift says, “Christmas must be something holy, not superficial. Christmas must mean something more.”

I love Christmas and all the things it stands for. It helps me to remember i should tell my friends, family, and boyfriend how much i love them more often than i do. So, Happy Holidays, and a very delightful Christmas to everyone.

Many people say they love someone and dont mean it. The word is thrown around far too much if you ask me. I only say it (or sign it) when i feel it. If i dont feel it i wont pretend i do. I could type out the entire story of my realization of this absolutely overwhelming love that has taken hold of my heart, but for any guys that read this they would gag from the mushy-ness and the girls would probably think skeptically, or read in rapture. Either way i am not going to tell the whole story. just know that my future entries will most likely be tainted with the blotches of love and the feelings of finally being in love with someone who loves me back. YAY! i think i should get a medal… a gold one, because this gold will stay, i have no doubt of that.