I spoke with a friend today, and she was talking to me about a lot of the trials she is facing right now in her life. It sort of felt like I was advising myself haha. Anyway, after she told me her entire story I began to think about the similarities if so many of the people I know and the struggles they are having. Many people know about my many hospital stays recently, and in an effort to cheer me up they have opened up to me about their lives and health problems. This did not help me in the slightest. It doesn’t make me feel good to know that I am not alone in physical pain or mental exhaustion over having test after test done to “find the problem (or solution)”. It struck me as odd that my friends felt knowing their pain would ease mine, especially because it did the exact opposite. Feeling helpless never made anybody feel good. Anyway, that is my musing for the moment.

meh. I donnno.

Just Thought This Was Funny

To Be Surprised

Today I have been thinking about plans a lot. and when ever I realize that i am dwelling on this topic i think of the movie Dan In Real Life. At the very end of the movie the protagonist says that people should make life plans, but includes that they need to be prepared to be surprised. After he makes this statement the song I listed below begins to play. I’ve always really loved this song, and Lerche is an awesome artist… even though i cannot hear him the same as I used to.

The plans I thought most about were school related. Then after that they turned to dating plans and things like that. I love to see how much I change in relatively short time periods, changes for the good I mean… or at least not bad. One that has been a topic of several of my recent conversations has been marriage. When I was in high school and when I was living in Reno I always said that I refused to get married before I was 25. Then I moved, and partially because of cultural influences i have changed this rule. I’m open to getting married when I am ready. It’s interesting to me that since I moved here i have had several serious relationships that made me seriously consider marriage. Some of which would have been a total disaster, and others I still don’t know about Whether I find my knight in shining armor soon or not for years, I do have the faith that it will happen. And lets face it, I’m only 21, I’m very young still.

Even tho it causes be pain I also have thought about my plans for my friendships. some of those have thankfully stayed intact, but most of my plans for friends have crashed and burned. Many people say that this is how we learn who our true friends are…. i don’t quite agree. My very best friend is hundreds of miles away from me, but she is still my greatest friend and I still love her with my whole heart. Another friend lives in that same country and even though we dont talk as often as i would prefer, i still get to talk to her and i still love her  and think of her often. The same goes to many of my friends that i am not in contact with. I love them whether i am in constant contact with them or not… i just like it better if i get to have direct contact with them often.

I had an interesting conversation with a very good friend of mine earlier this evening. While talking to him i realized i have lived in this place for over two years now. This is a crazy realization for me because i never thought i would spend on second of my life living in this place. Crazy how time changes us… But again, i am grateful for this change.

Enough rambling. Here are those lyrics. I made in bold the part i keep thinking about most, which isn’t exactly what i’ve talked about above. whatever

Sondre Lerche’s “To Be Surprised”

I’m not going to say
That you ever stop to think along the way
But baby, be prepared to be surprised
Baby, be prepared to be surprised
It’s all I know

I’m not going to state
Obvious observations everybody makes
But baby, be prepared to be surprised
Baby, be prepared to be surprised
You better be prepared to be surprised
It’s all I know

The weight of the world
And the hurt and the dirt
Can make you disturbed
But I heard, but I heard
When I wrap my arms around you
Every mistake we made crumbles
When I wrap my arms around you
Everything echoes a new song

I’m not gonna whine
Or scream out I’m so tired
Through the mike
But baby, be prepared to be surprised
Baby, be prepared to be surprised
You got to be prepared to be surprised
It’s all I know

The weight of the world
And the hurt and the dirt
Can make you disturbed
But I heard, but I heard
When I wrap my arms around you
Every mistake we made crumbles
When I wrap my arms around you
Everything echoes a new song

I’m not gonna lie
Saying everyone’s gonna be alright
And fine until we die
But what else can you do
But hope and pray and save
And we’ll get by

Be prepared to be surprised
Better be prepared to be surprised
You got to be prepared to be surprised
It’s all I know

MLIA (mylifeisaverage.com)

This sight is brilliant, you should take a few minutes to peruse it, even if not all of it is real. my favorite one recently is this:

” A few days ago, a girl in my class asked what a terrorist was. As we all looked at her in disbelief, the guy next to me says, “Oh my god you’re so dumb. A terrorist is like if I go to China, then I’m a terrorist.” The teacher then looked at him and said, “You mean tourist right?” MLIA “

A Lonely Holiday

The Plain White T’s “A Lonely September”

I’m sittin’ here all by myself
just tryin’ to think of something to do
Tryin’ to think of something, anything
just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it’s not working out
’cause you’re all that’s on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
to leave the rest of the world behind

[Chorus]
Well I didn’t mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn’t mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn’t mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn’t mean to love me back, but I know you did

I’m sittin’ here tryin’ to convince myself
that you’re not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
and the more I want you here with me
You know the holidays are coming up
I don’t want to spend them alone
Memories of Christmas time with you
will just kill me if I’m on my own

[Chorus]
Well I didn’t mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn’t mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn’t mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn’t mean to love me back

I know it’s not the smartest thing to do
we just can’t seem to get it right
But what I wouldn’t give to have one more chance tonight
One more chance tonight

I’m sittin’ here tryin’ to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone it’s not getting me very far
I look around my room and everything I see reminds me of you
Oh please, baby won’t you take my hand
we’ve got nothing left to prove

[Chorus]
Well I didn’t mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn’t mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn’t mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn’t mean to love me back, but I know you did

And I didn’t mean to meet you then
we were just kids
And I didn’t mean to give you chills
the way that I kiss
And I didn’t mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn’t mean to love me back but I know you did
Don’t say you didn’t love me back ’cause you know you did
No, you didn’t mean to love me back
But you did

Story-Telling Night… and Christmas

Not the same as mine but i'm too lazy to photograph mine

This week Cameron and I had a really great night, and went to the ASL Club Christmas party, which consisted of a fairy-tail story told by the amazing Ben Jarshow and then an “open mike night” where several of my friends participated in telling stories from their past Christmases and other things. It was a real treat to spend time with some of the people i rarely see outside of class or church. The story Ben told us was the Snow Queen, which i had never heard (or i guess i should say seen) before. it was an interesting tale, and it reminded me a lot of the matryoshka nesting dolls that we saw and bought when i was in Russia this summer. I really love mine, my Beauty and the Beast one is gorgeous and a true piece of artwork.. and both my Mom and Nicole have incredible ones with so many pieces and cool stories to match them, they really are the coolest keep-sake we returned from Europe with.

Because i live alone and in isolation it hasn’t been feeling like Christmas time for me. There aren’t decorations in my apartment, and music is so difficult for me to understand that Christmas music isn’t filling the aching holes in my heart. I miss my family a lot around this time, thank goodness i will be home in exactly one week and can meet my brand new niece. It is a very exciting time for my family. But to try to bring thoughts of Christ and christmas into my room i have brought out my second matryoshka nesting doll. I must admit, that even though it only cost thirty dollars and was not as carefully made as all the other dolls, it is my favorite. It is fairly plain, it isn’t shiny or gaudy and it doesn’t have loads of lacquer  to make it stand out, but the pictures on it make it genuinely special, and also make the “plainess” of the finish all the more incredible. The pictures tell the story of Christ’s life, from the nativity to resurrection. It helps remind me of all the things Christ did for us, and for me specifically. I feel so blessed to have that knowledge. I hope someday i will be able  to spread my testimony and knowledge of Christ to more people. Heck, maybe someone will read this blog post and it will help them in some way… especially with Christmas coming up, after all as Taylor Swift says, “Christmas must be something holy, not superficial. Christmas must mean something more.”

I love Christmas and all the things it stands for. It helps me to remember i should tell my friends, family, and boyfriend how much i love them more often than i do. So, Happy Holidays, and a very delightful Christmas to everyone.

Nothing Gold Stays

When i was a sophomore in high school my english teacher, Gary Sassenburg, wrote this departing line in my yearbook. He took it from one of my very favorite poets’(Robert Frost) poems. But after much thought and consideration i have decided that although Frost was right in many ways, some gold things can stay. Part of the reason i know this is my church, i know there are constant things in our lives like God and his love for us and all that… but the other reason i know this is because of things happening inside my own heart. I have unconditional love for quite a few people, and that word “unconditional” obviously means it is going to be there forever. I have known for a long time the love i have for my best friends is unconditional, as well as the love i have for my family… but i very recently found yet another person i have that unstoppable love for, and that is my amazing boyfriend.

Many people say they love someone and dont mean it. The word is thrown around far too much if you ask me. I only say it (or sign it) when i feel it. If i dont feel it i wont pretend i do. I could type out the entire story of my realization of this absolutely overwhelming love that has taken hold of my heart, but for any guys that read this they would gag from the mushy-ness and the girls would probably think skeptically, or read in rapture. Either way i am not going to tell the whole story. just know that my future entries will most likely be tainted with the blotches of love and the feelings of finally being in love with someone who loves me back. YAY! i think i should get a medal… a gold one, because this gold will stay, i have no doubt of that.

My New World

Since my most recent accident, as many of you know, my world has gone silent. Hearing tests show that for me to hear even the smallest sound i need it to be 120 decibels at minimum for both ears. To give you an idea of what that means, a Marshal Stack at a rock concert is 120 decibels if you stand 4 feet away from it… so pretty much, i don’t hear a single thing day in and day out. It has been a really hard change for me… nothing is the way it was before. Sometimes it makes me feel like i’m stuck inside my own head. Thank goodness for interpreters tho. Without them i wouldn’t have a clue what was happening in my classes or anything, and some of them have become friends (i’m really happy to say that). The other cool thing is all the people i have met from my new ward. they rock!!! Aaaaanyway, that is my update.

Meh.

Where Have All The Flowers Gone…

Today I was playing my guitar and i decided to get back to my guitar playing roots a little bit and i played the first full song i ever learned, ” Where Have All The Flowers Gone” by Peter, Paul, and Mary. I love this song. Not only because i really like peace and am a wee bit of a hippie, but also because i love the message it sends, and the style it is written in. It’s a progression, slowly exposing more and more, going from mundane to important, and back again. There is another song i play all the time, it’s by Ben Kweller and it is called “On My Way.” Ben Kweller’s song is showing the path of progression in life (an extremely popular theme for music) from immaturity to love. Another more well known song is “100 Years” by Five For Fighting or John Mayer’s “Stop This Train”. These songs are really great to me because everyone can relate a little bit to them. Everyone has been through some part of these tunes, whether it is just the whole naive section, or the lost love part, everyone gets their own little bit. These songs help me when i’m at a transition point in my life, and since i’m in college that is always happening (you could say i’m the equivalent of a teenager’s teeth when they have braces haha).

The biggest reason i love these kinds of songs is that they are uplifting, at the same time as they are realistic. Always sort of showing how life goes on and that even tho all the good times we have seem to be in fast forward while the bad scenes in life are in slow motion, eventually things will change and get better if we keep pushing and keep faith. Everyday we have is a blessing i guess, and i hope that i can treat them as such.

Meh. I donno.

“Came Around” Rhett Miller

“Come Around”

I’m dressed all in blue and I’m remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart
I’m depressed upstairs and I’m remembering where
And when and how and why’d you have to go so far

Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I’m gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around

So come around

I’m dressed all in white and I remember the night
You came on to me and opened up my heart
I was hollow then till you filled me in now I’m empty again
I should have never let it start
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I’m gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around

So come around
No one else can fix me although sometimes my heart tricks me
Into thinking someone else will do
But you’re the only one you are the only one
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I’m gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around

So come around
So come around, so come around
I’m dressed all in blue and I’m remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart